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Robbed
by Jen

 
It's a pathetic little tale, I suppose.  It doesn't even have the distinction of novelty.  And damn it, this isn't working; however much I try to distance myself and look at the situation dispassionately, the coldness inside me keeps growing.

I love someone who loves somebody else.  It's as simple as that.  The only thing which makes this a little different is that he doesn't know it.  Yet.  He cares for Starbuck as a friend, but he thinks that's all.  I had thought that was all, too.  We were both wrong.

I first started to wonder when Starbuck disappeared into the void, telling Apollo it was his wedding present to him.  It was an odd statement to make, but it was only tonight that everything fell into place and I finally realised exactly what was going on.  Apollo still hasn't, of course.  As far as he's concerned he has his best friend back, and he's still happily in love with his new wife and as pleased as punch about having a ready-made son.

I'm glad Boxey likes him.  He loves Apollo, in fact.  He's the father who Boxey has never had but always wanted, and he's hero-worshipped Apollo ever since Apollo gave him that dreadful Muffit.  I suppose perhaps I have, too.  He was the first person who actually cared about Boxey and whether he would live or die.  He had troubles enough of his own, but he made the time for us both.

I still remember seeing him for the first time beside his Viper down on Caprica, so stunned by the awfulness of what had happened that he'd have let that crowd tear him to pieces.  It was only later, much later, that I realised his lack of resistance was also due to his feelings of guilt, his feeling that he deserved whatever punishment was meted out for failing us and for failing his brother.

I didn't know that at the time, of course.  I just remembered the horror in his eyes.  It took me a while to adjust to the difference between that beaten figure and the captain who took charge so forcefully in those early confused days.  When finally we met properly he seemed so in control, so driven.  They were characteristics I could relate to.  We'd both had to fight against prejudice to achieve what we had; he to disprove charges of nepotism, while I had to overcome all the old prejudices against a woman bringing up a child on her own.  'Father unknown', his birth record said.  It was better that way for Boxey - far better than him ever finding out the truth about his father - but it didn't do me any favours in my high-profile position.

It was only when Apollo and I got to know one another that I realised there was much more to him than the focus and the single-minded determination that  I had admired; they had been his way of coping with what had happened and keeping his feelings under control.  It was also as I got to know him better that I discovered one other thing about him: Starbuck.  It became increasingly obvious to me that if I was serious about Apollo, I'd have to accept Starbuck's place in his life.

I liked Starbuck at first; I envied the way he had of cheering Apollo up when he was in one of his introspective moods.  We certainly had some good evenings together - me and Apollo, Starbuck and whoever his flame of the moment was.  There were so many of them that at times I had problems remembering the right name.  After a while, though, I began to resent the lack of time I had alone with Apollo.  It seemed as though Starbuck trailed round after him everywhere like a hopeful puppy.  What was most frustrating of all was that Apollo wouldn't do anything about it.  I'm sure that if it had been up to him, Starbuck would have been invited on our honeymoon.  Apollo would have done his duty by me in the bedroom, then slipped out to the living quarters to finish his hand of Pyramid with Starbuck.

That's why I couldn't be completely sorry when Starbuck went missing.  I'm ashamed of admitting it even to myself but beneath the sadness at his loss, I knew an unmistakable feeling of relief.  It grew as I saw the effect of Starbuck's disappearance on Apollo.  All the time Starbuck was gone, presumed dead, Apollo was a mess.  He tried to hide it, tried to throw himself into the preparations for our Sealing, but there was no mistaking the emptiness in his eyes when he thought no one was watching.  He cried in my arms that first night.  I held him close, loving him for trusting me enough to reveal his emotions.  But even then, had it been in my power to bring Starbuck back for him, I'm not sure I would have done so.

And then tonight Starbuck turned up.  He walked out of the darkness with that grin on his face, and when I saw the expression on my husband's face I knew I'd lost.  The look Starbuck gave me when they were hugging each other told me as much.  I had taken what was rightfully his and he was going to reclaim it.  And as I watched the way Apollo held him in return, I knew it was simply a matter of time before Apollo realised the same thing, that he is indeed Starbuck's.

So this is why I'm holding so tightly to Apollo's hand in the torch-light as we watch Adama tracing the history of the thirteenth tribe on the wall of the pyramid.  I know that this could mean the end of our search, that it could be the beginning of a new life for us all, but all I can think about is my husband.  I can't risk letting go of him even for an instant.

But somehow, the more tightly I hold onto him, the lonelier I feel.  I'm scared.  I'm scared of what it will do to Boxey when he loses the new father he adores.  I'm scared of what will happen to me without the man I love.  But most of all I'm scared that Apollo will be the honourable man I know him to be and stay with me because he promised me he would, and that he'll try to love me until he ends up hating me.

I shiver and my hold on his hand tightens even further.  He turns and smiles at me, love in his eyes, before he lightly kisses my lips.  I close my eyes and accept his love, knowing I need to store up every memory I can for the future.  But still I feel cold, and so afraid.  I don't want tomorrow to come.  I want to stay here, safe in this moment where Apollo still loves me, forever.
 

End