If you leave
by Luthien
The characters belong to Glen A Larson. No copyright infringement is intended and no money is being made from this fan site.
If you leave.That's what you said. I can still hear it now, as though you've only just
spoken. I still feel as disbelieving now as when I heard you say it. I guess
I should have seen it coming. It's not as if I haven't been through this
sort of thing before. It's just that I never thought I'd hear those words
from you.It wasn't just the words, of course. It was the rest of it. You stared at
me, with that remote, cold light in your eyes. You've used that look on me
more than once, but it's always been when we were playing our official
roles: the cheeky, misbehaving lieutenant and the stern, reprimanding
captain. You've never looked at me like that because of anything important
before.You didn't say anything else. Just stared at me, like that, with the rest of
the sentence left hanging there unsaid.Don't bother coming back. That's what you didn't say.
Sounds like some terrible corny old vid, doesn't it?
I can't believe that you said that to me. But you did.
And I can't believe that I turned and left without a word. But I did.
In all the years we'd known each other, I'd never imagined that there would
be a time when you wouldn't be there. I'd never been able to imagine it, if
I'm being honest. I thought that's how you felt, too. Even when you told me
you were going to marry Serina, and even while I worried about things never
being the same again, there was a part of me that couldn't quite imagine
past your marriage. Everything beyond that point was a sort of black void of
unreality. That part of me wasn't surprised when she died. It was as though
the universe couldn't allow anything that would really separate us. Funny
that we managed that all on our own, in the end.Where was I? Oh yeah, I turned and left. I was the one that did the
unthinkable - but only after you said the unspeakable, or implied it or...
Oh frack, you know what I mean! You were there.Boomer found me, over on the Rising Star. I think I'd had a drink or two -
or three or four - before he turned up because I didn't really hear a lot of
what he was saying. That was convenient. It helped me keep my attention on
the pyramid game. I was playing for queen stakes in that game. And I was
really cleaning up. But it wasn't enough. It was all too easy. I wanted
more.A lot of it's hazy now, but I remember the point where I staked everything
I'd won, everything I owned and everything I had. Boomer stopped talking at
me for a moment. He looked horrified - all grey around the edges. It made me
want to laugh. You know what old Boom-Boom's like. He's pretty easygoing -
not like you - and, given how long he's known me, it takes quite a lot to
shock him. The thing was, he knew what it meant when I staked everything I
had. It meant that I wanted to move up to king stakes. Those sorts of games
are supposed to be illegal, but you can still find them if you know where to
look. Why do you think I'd gone to all the trouble of getting over to the
Rising Star?Go on, give me that patented shocked look of yours. I dare you. No? I'm
deeply disappointed in you, Apollo. I thought that'd get you going for sure.Anyway, like I just told you, I wanted to laugh at the look on Boomer's
face. But I didn't. There didn't seem to be any laughter left in me. So I
just told him that there was no way I could lose - and then he looked even
worse. I guess that didn't reassure him much because I always say that
there's no way I can lose, even when I'm using my own cubits. Like I said,
he knew what it meant. King stakes is everything or nothing. Win everything
or forfeit... everything.Boomer...Well, you know Boomer, how he usually laughs a bit or gets that
sceptical look in his eye when I tell him that I can't lose - and gets ready
to buy me a drink in consolation. He always seems surprised - surprised! -
when I win. One of these days I might begin to get the feeling that he
doesn't have much confidence in me.Boomer didn't look amused or sceptical this time, though. I suppose he
realised even before I put my laser on the table that I didn't care one way
or the other. He couldn't know that when I said I couldn't lose I was just
stating the truth.Unlucky in love, lucky at cards. That's what they say, isn't it? Right then,
I could have won anything, even with a deck stacked against me, which that
one almost certainly was. I was looking forward to finding out for sure.
That would have been the clincher, you know?Guess I'll never know now. Because right when we were headed for the final
hand, the hand of Sagan got in the way. Your father, I mean. Even I don't
ignore a summons like that, not even when I'm off duty and ready to
literally gamble my life away. Lords know how he had me tracked down, and so
quickly.They got me back to the Galactica in record time. And then the commander
told me what had happened.You believe in duty too much, Apollo. I've told you that before. After that
little scene of ours, any normal person would have gone off and methodically
drunk themselves into oblivion. Any normal person would have gotten involved
in a pyramid game and played for ridiculous stakes until something gave, one
way or the other. And any normal person would have felt so miserable and
empty after all that that he would have ended up going back anyway. A normal
person would have gone back and asked for forgiveness, because even
sacrificing his pride is a small price to pay for getting rid of that black
void of unreality that I told you about a little while back.But you're not a normal person, are you? No. Instead of doing all that you
go off on patrol and get shot down and... And you call me irresponsible!How your viper ever made it through the atmosphere, never mind actually made
it to the ground more or less in one piece, I'll never know.Yes, the Cylons were still around and it was dangerous and a thousand other
reasons why I was ordered not to launch, but you couldn't have really
doubted that I'd come after you, could you? I've done it before, and I'd do
it again. It's one of the laws of the universe. And you'd do the same for
me. Have done, actually, if you remember.I wish you'd say something. Or at least open your eyes.
My viper isn't the mess that yours is, but it won't fly again. And there's
no chance of communicating with the Galactica from down here. Even if we
could, it'd only bring those tin cans down on top of us.The Galactica should be able to find us, assuming that they fight the Cylons
off sometime soon. Assuming that they don't have to leave this sector and
can't come back for two lost pilots. And what's two pilots compared to
guarding what remains of humanity, after all? Can't you hear the commander
saying that, with that sorrowful throb in his voice? It breaks me up just
thinking about it.But there's still no laughter left in me, so I don't think about it. I sit
here, and I watch you. I bathe your face with a rag that used to be part of
your uniform. And I think about how we ended up like this. I wonder how
long...Your breath catches in your throat, and so does mine, for a heartbeat, until
your chest starts moving again. Up and down, up and down... In another time
and place I'd make the obvious comment about that, and you'd probably roll
your eyes before you smiled and we reached for each other and... But now
it's all there is tell me that you're still with me.Stop scaring me like that! I've got an image to live up to, you know, and
pulling stunts like that isn't doing it any good.I think I'll have to threaten you. What about if I use your own words?
If you leave.
And yes, I'm leaving the rest of the sentence hanging, just like you did.
But the part I'm not saying isn't 'don't bother coming back.' You remember
that song that was popular the first summer after we met? We used to laugh
about it. It was one of the first things we laughed about together. 'If you
leave me, can I come too?' That was how it went. It was funny then, when we
didn't understand.Anyway, that's my threat. If you leave me, I'll come too. In fact, I already
have, or else I wouldn't be risking my boyish complexion anywhere near this
sand-blasted excuse for a planet.You can't get away from me, so it's easier just to stay. That was the next
line, wasn't it? Something like that.You know, now that I think about it, I'm surprised that you didn't... Oh
Lords! Apollo! I knew there was something wrong about all that. I just
couldn't see past the wrongness of the whole situation. You usually say
exactly what you mean. It's not like you to leave something just lying there
unsaid, especially something that important. But you let me think that that
was...Okay, okay. You should know by now that I'm not very good with words. Not
words that really matter. I'm fine when it's all surface, but when the words
really mean something, because they're coming from someone who really means
something - means everything - to me...You were expecting me to remember the song. That's what you meant, wasn't
it? And I missed it. All I could see was rejection, when all the time...'If you leave me, can I come too? We could always stay.' That's what you
meant. And you expected me to remember. But I didn't. Until now.And I could have stayed. But I didn't. And now...
Well, 'Pol, I'm not leaving you now. I'll never leave you. And if you leave
me... If you leave me, I will come too. And then you'll have to spend all
eternity with me reminding you that I left the winning hand of the greatest
game of my life for you, and there's never going to be any chance of
finishing it.That a good enough threat for you?
*****
End
*****
This story was inspired, very loosely, by a song that is so old that it's on
an album in my record collection. If you're not familiar with Australian
pub bands of the early 1980s, you've probably never heard it, but it's got
one of those titles that sticks in the mind...
If You Leave Me Can I Come Too?
by Mental As AnythingWords were exchanged last night
You could call it a fight
It's such a shame. I never thought we would
Wouldn't be so bad if it weren't so good.
I've had enough of that,
Other loves in days gone by
It wasn't much I know.
Just enough, enough to make me cry.Chorus
If you leave me can I come too?
We can always stay
But if you leave me can I come too?
And if you go can I come too?Don't let it happen again
Coz that I couldn't take
Once was quite enough
It's easy to forgive, harder to forget
